Complete and Utter Zebu

In The Maltese Falcon, Kasper Gutman offers the toast: “Here’s to plain speaking and clear understanding.” Sadly, for many organisations and politicians, they prefer dissembling, waffle and gobbledegook to plain speaking, presumably hoping to pull the wool over our eyes. So three cheers, yet again, for the Plain English campaign, which has once more announced the results of its Golden Bull Award, the bull presumably being a Zebu.

The Foot in the Mouth award was won by Lord Mandelson, the Business Secretary. Speaking about MPs expenses, he said: “Perhaps we need not more people looking round more corners but the same people looking round more corners more thoroughly to avoid the small things detracting from the big things the Prime Minister is getting right.”

Among organisations singled out for being needlessly obscure:

American Airlines for its “Property Irregularity Receipt” which doesn’t mention that it means lost luggage.

Balaclava Public School for a letter to parents about making iced cup cakes:

“Dear parent/Guardians,

The Grade 7 Science classes are nearing the completion for the unit Pure Substances and Mixtures. In this unit, students have been introduced to the Particle Theory of Matter, and to some of the terminology related to the field of chemistry. They have also been given the opportunity to explore, and conduct experiments related to the properties of solutions and mechanical mixtures.
At this time all students are encouraged to discuss with you the content and expectations of the culminating task along with how it will be assessed. This culminating task allows students to demonstrate the knowledge and skills that he/she has learned throughout the module. Although students are responsible to independently complete this task, we would very much appreciate your assistance for the experimenting component, as students require access to a kitchen and some ingredients to develop their own mixture.
Thank you in advance for your interest and co-operation.”

The Department of Health for information on preventing disease:

“Primary prevention includes health promotion and requires action on the determinants of health to prevent disease occurring. It has been described as refocusing upstream to stop people falling in the waters of disease.”

Patient Access to Electronic Records Limited for replacing receptionists in doctors’ surgeries with an automated arrival system:

“I arrive at my GP, only to be told that I haven‟t until I converse with a screen that invites me to “Touch the screen to arrive”. My electronic check-in is completed by touching a virtual button labelled “arrive me”.

Dublin Airport Authority for a 109 word clause on contractors‟ agreement:

“(c) Neither the execution and delivery by the Consultant of this Agreement nor the consummation by it of any of the transactions contemplated hereby, requires, with respect to it, the consent or approval of the giving of notice to, the registration, with the record or filing of any document with, or the taking of any other action in respect of any government authority, except such as are not yet required (as to which it has no reason to believe that the same will not be readily obtainable n the ordinary course of business upon due application therefore) or which have been duly obtained and are in full force and effect.”

LSIS (Learning and Skills Improvement Service) for a consultation booklet ‘Statement of strategic direction’ which was sent to schools:

“The government calls insistently for more innovation. But doing things in a new way will not necessarily lead to better outcomes. So, what do we mean by innovation? We share the thinking of, for example, the Work Foundation, which sees innovation not “as a set of discrete and singular moments of change” but rather as “a culture or process in which drivers of change are embedded in and facilitated by the strategic outlook of the organisation.”

Department of the Treasury Internal Revenue Service for a tax form to be completed by suppliers outside the US:

“W-8BEN Certificate of Foreign status of beneficial owner for United States Tax Withholding Hybrid entity – a hybrid entity is any person (other than an individual) that is treated as fiscally transparent in the US…Reverse hybrid entity – a reverse hybrid entity is any person (other than an individual) that is not fiscally transparent under US tax law principles… Fiscally transparent entity…Disregarded entity.”

Coca Cola Enterprises Ltd for a letter to distributors about deliveries:

“To outsource some aspects of our Finance transactional processing activities… We will be transitioning certain transactional activities…. The goal is to make this transition as seamless as possible… There will be two primary impacts to your organisation… Does not impact your current terms… Aiming to minimise any disruption to our business, and we expect our performance levels to stabilise soon after the transition period.”

The Foot in the Mouth award was won by Lord Mandelson, the Business Secretary, though he faced tough competition. Speaking about MPs expenses, he said: “Perhaps we need not more people looking round more corners but the same people looking round more corners more thoroughly to avoid the small things detracting from the big things the Prime Minister is getting right.”